Thursday, January 1, 2015

A New Year

I don't think I've ever been so conflicted in my feelings before.  2014 was the toughest year of my life.  I was pregnant during the first months of 2014, and though I was very much looking forward to our baby girl's arrival, I was so very sick.  I was suffering from constant headaches, was under so much stress at work, and was beginning to deal with climbing blood pressure.  While my ob/gyn insisted I was fine, I knew differently.  We welcomed our baby girl in April, three weeks before her due date, and under very difficult circumstances.  After being rushed to the hospital in an ambulance, I was diagnosed with HELLP syndrome and had to deliver her immediately, for both her health and mine.  Though small, she was perfectly healthy.  I, however, was not.  With extremely low blood platelets that wouldn't rise, and very high liver enzymes and a blood pressure that wouldn't decrease, I endured an 8-day hospital stay.  After an MRI and MRA, I was also informed that I had suffered several acute strokes at least two weeks prior due to my extremely high blood pressure for an extended period of time.  My daughter's birth will always be linked to this horrific time in my life.  Such a joyous occasion tarnished.  Thus, my conflicted feelings.  While I am so ready to bid farewell to 2014 and welcome 2015 with open arms, I can't help but feel guilty.  Is it right that I feel this way about the year my daughter was born?  Since I took a leave of absence from my job during this time, I have been very present in my daughter's first 8 months of life and we have an indescribable bond.  I don't want to just dismiss this time and say good riddance to this year, but on the other hand, I am very much looking forward to a healthy 2015.

1 comment:

  1. You should not feel guilty, but you should feel blessed. “It takes darkness to be aware of the light.” (Treasure Tatum). 2014 gave you a whole new perspective and appreciation for life; kiss it goodbye and be thankful for the lessons and blessings it brought.



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